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Old 09-16-2008, 02:55 PM
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TECH SUPPORT - HOW CAN I HELP?

TECH SUPPORT - HOW CAN I HELP?

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...

Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah... thank you.

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me.

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah... that one does work...

Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

Customer: Hi I have a problem with my Canon printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.

Tech support: Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'... on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
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  #2  
Old 09-16-2008, 03:06 PM
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Tech support: 'P'... on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

*snickers*
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Old 09-16-2008, 03:07 PM
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Old 09-16-2008, 03:12 PM
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Old 09-16-2008, 04:04 PM
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Quote:
Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
that had had me goin!
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Old 09-16-2008, 04:09 PM
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God people are dumb .
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Old 09-16-2008, 04:32 PM
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OK now as an old guy who is computer-challenged, let me just say that the people at tech support are just as dumb as the people who call them.
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Old 09-16-2008, 04:54 PM
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: u never know what type of people have those problems 24/7
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Old 09-17-2008, 06:24 AM
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One of those 3 am drunk calls.

Tech support:Hello how can i help you?
Drunk customer: '"Slurred voice" Can't use help me talk to my girlfriend?
Tech:Are you on IM with her?
Drunk customer: I were..but i is having hard time talking to her.
Tech:..k..how can i assist?
Drunk customer: Exactly! burrrp...
Tech: Sorry i am not understanding the problem.
Drunk customer:We had been talking..but she told me there was some problems. I told her i would get a tech to ass hit (assist) us.
So..i call you guys and got a female tech and told her problem. I thought she solve it for me.
Tech: What did the Tech tell you?
Drunk customer: Well i told my girlfriend that female tech said if it was hard talking to her and hard with my girlfriend..maybe there should be a three way.
Then my girlfriend was not there no more.
Tech: Have you tried to IM her again?
Drunk customer: No... but i see her now? she on my comp screen. but she not moving.
Tech: Webcam?
Drunk customer: No.. Its a picture of with her flipping the finger at me.
so... i do not think our problem is right yet.
Tech: oh... ok then maybe she is having a problem with her comp. May i have her phone number so i can assist her?
Drunk customer: Yes..yous can. (gives tech his girlfriends #) I hope its not hard talking to her when you ass hit (assist) her.
Tech: Oh..... it probably will be really hard when i assist her. And since i am not to far from your area. I will personally go to her residence for her to see how hard it is and to ass hit her.. and...the female tech you spoke to. ok? (loud laughing in back ground from other techs)
Drunk customer: huh? what? burrrp.. slurring
Tech: Thank you for calling our service. (more loud laughing from other techs)
Drunk customer: You need my number to call me back?
Tech: No...not needed. She said she will bring her comp over to my residence so me and the female tech can ass hit (assist) her. she said don't worry she will send pics showing how the problem was fixed.
Drunk customer: ok..well do i have... (gets cut off by tech)
Tech: Thanks for calling. (laughter in background) hangs up.
Drunk customer: passes out.


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  #10  
Old 09-17-2008, 08:06 PM
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I do tech support for a company of 600 users. Everyday is a mass amount of stupid phone calls.

1 user who kept on calling me saying his computer closes by itself. I go down to check it out and everything is running fine. Checked the logs, hardware, waited around to see if it was true and nothing happened. Walked back upstairs and got another phone call. He said it happened again. Walk back down and check the PC. Its in Standby. I checked the power settings and its set to sleep after 5 minutes. I told him who played with this setting. He says "I did, the computer needs to rest so I make it sleep often". I kid you not!

While working at HP 2 years ago we had tons of users who knew very little. Here's a couple of events that I can recall:

User states he can't get online. I tried troubleshooting the issue with him but all I could hear was his wife screaming at him in the background. Barely heard him on the phone with the constant yelling and complaints from his wife. Halfway through the call he told me "Hold on a sec!". Puts the phone down, I can still hear the screaming and then all of a sudden it stops. He gets back on the phone and says "Its fixed". I didn't know what to say!

A sales rep calls in and tells me he spilled Kiwi juice on his laptop while flying. I asked if its still working. He tell me "I got home popped out all the keys, cleaned the bottom of the keyboard. Put the keys in the dishwasher but now I have a problem. I don't know which key goes where". Spent an hour telling him which key goes back where. But I had him switch the "N" & "M" key. Kiwi juice isn't supported by the help desk.

User calls in and can't open Internet Explorer. Told him "What happens when you open it?". Replies back "An hourglass for 2 seconds and then nothing". I asked "Do you have a toolbar installed such as Google, Yahoo?". He says "Yes, Google". Had him uninstall it and test out the browser. I ask "What happens if you try to open IE?", he replies back "All I see if these fucking eye balls staring at me". Holding back from laughing I said "Um, sir thats Google!".

I called a remote user back to help fix her laptop. I forgot she was in California and called 6AM her local time. Her husband picks up and I ask for Donna. He says "She's in the shower, hold on". I said "No wait, its okay, I'll call back". Too late for him to hear. He passes her the phone in the shower. She says "This is Donna", I explained the reason for my call and she replies back "Let me put on a towel and I'll get my laptop".

Best call of all! Called back a user at home for a follow up. He picks up the phone and tells me "Hey, its a good thing you just called me now cause I just finished having sex".

Worse call of all! User is based in Brazil and I just finished fixing his issue over the phone. He tells me "So I can call you in the future for any further problems?". I explained that he will need to call back the hot line for any issues. He says "What about other stuff?", I replied "What do you mean?". He says "You know to say Hello and how are things". I said "I don't understand, why would you call me?". It took a few seconds to kick in but I finally realized with help from the co-worker who overheard next to me that the man was gay and hitting on me! I told him "No its okay, just call back the hotline". He says "Are you sure?" and I said "YES!"

Oh wait , last minute addition I just thought of. Guy calls me up in a panic and tells me. "You gotta help me or I'm out of job by the end of the day. I've been having problems with my laptop the last couple of days. Today I had to give a presentation to a few of our customers and I'll I kept getting was porn pop ups. Now I'm a man who loves his porn but not in front of customers". Hard not to laugh. I ended up cleaning the machine but during the entire time alot of popups were coming up. Everytime one appeared he would say in a southern accent "Holy shit, look at the size of that rack" or "Oh my, thats a nice cooter". Then when a big window came up he said "Oh wait, don't close that right away. She's nice". Hilarious call.

Last edited by zerocoolxp; 09-17-2008 at 08:19 PM.
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